I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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