I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
God, I missed his penis.
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