got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
