Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I did not marry a roomba.
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