I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
