what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
