I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
