your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
