he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My ATM looks so different sober.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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