Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
