Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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