I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Randomize
