Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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