So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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