He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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