My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
i've created a new STD.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
