Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Vodka?
Forever.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
