dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i think i have herpe
just one?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
