he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
