My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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