my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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