You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize