i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
