Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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