look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
