Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
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