Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
