Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
