I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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