like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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