my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
