I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
