Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
