My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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