So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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