i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
