If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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