i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
