Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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