I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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