there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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