Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
