On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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