I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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