I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
