I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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