So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
