Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize