I wanna bring you to show and tell
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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