so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
