I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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