theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Less talking, more tequila
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
