You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
