dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
