So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
