what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
