fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
